To Love and To Be Loved In Return

Just came back from the historical city of Cambridge.A nice,quiet place,I would say.It may attract various types of tourist especially those who love architecture and tranquility-like me.Hehe...

Anyway,Zaffan and I went there not only for the sake of 'makan angin'.We went to Cambridge in order to visit Rashidah@Ede who's currently reading law in Cambridge University,and attend the talks organised by Cambridge Islamic Society.The talks basically focused on the mispresented issues of women in Islam and also talks about the Islamic perspective on relationships,romance and marriage[Ehem].The speaker is Shaykh Mohammad Akram Nadwi,a muhaddith specialising in 'ilmu rijal.He is from Jaipur,India and has received many ijazah including Shaykh Yusuf Al Qaradawi and Shaykh Abdul Fattah Abu Ghuddah.In conclusion,shaykh ni mantopps montoya punyela..

The first talk starts at 1pm in Keynes Hall of Kings College.In this talk,he differentiates between these 3 elements:'Desire,Like,and Love'.Desire,he explained; is part of human nature,and your desire will stop once it is fulfilled.Take example of desire to eat nasi kerabu (ku main rembat aje letak contoh ni,sebab dah lama tak makan nasik kerabu kelantan,ehe~).Balik Kelantan karang,once I consume nasi kerabu puas-puas,then my desire will stop nanti.If I eat more,then the marginal utility derived from eating nasi kerabu will still increase but at a decrease rate,and disutility will set in bila I sakit perut sebab makan tak ingat dunia.Hehe..So,marriage is not a about desiring to get a husband/wife and have a children,and then continue with your own world.A big no!If disutility sets in,tak pasal jadi naik benci,bercerai berai rumah tangga..

'Like',on the other hand is based on a rational thinking of human.You usually like a person because of his/her physical attractions and abilities.However,if you love a person,it should be more than the 'like' element.'Love' increase day by day,unlike 'desire' which stops after we have fulfill it.[what's worse is when disutility sets in,which leads to negative marginal utility/satisfaction].Therefore,it is not unusual for us to sacrifice our 'desire' for the sake of 'love'.If you truly love God wholeheartedly,you are willing to leave the sin that you have been committing in life,and you place your dunya in your hand,not in your heart,so that you will be able to control it.Like wise,if you love a person,you are willing to sacrifice your 'desire' yang kadang-kadang macam tak berpijak dibumi yang nyata (nak muka kiut cam penyanyi kumpulan Jepun Arashi,kuat macam Suparman,macho cam David Beckham,alim dan warak macam Ustaz/Ustazah tu,penyabar,baik hati,senyuman menawan...etc.OMG,boleh pengsan!).

How can our Prophet Muhammad SAW is loved by all muslims around the world although we have never seen him?This again explains the theory of love,which is based on certain qualities of a person,that are rooted deep inside him/her.It won't be based only on looks but will have a firmer base.That is 'Love'.

But how do you know when you have chosen the right person? How do you know that this is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with? How do you know that your marriage is going to succeed and not break down, like so many of the marriages around you? If your parents' marriage ended in divorce, what is to stop your marriage ending up the same way? And if your parents have been happily married for years, how can yours be like that? There's lots of questions, but important ones,isn't it?

Our beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) gave some advice about choosing a wife:

A woman may be married for four things: for her wealth, for her noble descent, for her beauty or for her religion. Choose the one who is religious, lest your hands be rubbed with dust! (Al-Bukhari and Muslim).

A young man or a young woman, then, needs to choose very carefully who their life's partner is going to be. A future husband or wife will also be the father or the mother of your children. Your spouse will be the one in whom you confide everything, the one who looks after the family home or who provides food for the family table.


This syakh gave us some guidelines in searching for a spouse..He said,that there are 3 important criterias that we have to look after for a spouse-PATIENCE,FEAR GOD and COMPATIBILTY.A patient and god fearing person doesn't necessarily can be a good companion or a friend /partner whom you want to grow old with.I totally AGREE with you shaykh!This is when the 3rd factor i.e. COMPATIBILIY/SEKUFU/KESERASIAN play its role.It is crucial to ensure that we are comfortable with our partner regardless of other barriers such as status,traditions,culture and languages.Furthermore,hopefully the presence of our partner can bring serenity and peace of mind to us,rather than the other way round.Hurmmm,you do understand what I mean,right?

So,next step.How do you know you have chosen the right one? Well, it will feel right. If right from the start you don't feel comfortable with this person, then maybe this person is not the one for you. You might feel that, with time, you can see a bright future together.Saya bukan Dr. Sakit Cinta jauh sekali mempunyai kepakaran dalam bidang ini,but I would suggest you to look for signs from Allah SWT from various angles to find solution to the problem:instinct,family,friends,dreams etc.And before you want to take each steps of your decision,seek barakah from Allah SWT,The All Knowing God through du'a and prayers.

Do you have the same expectations from the marriage? Are you both looking forward to having children and to establishing a home together? These things need to be talked through, somehow, so that you both know what you are expecting. Take advice, too, from your parents and from close friends. Listen as well to wise Muslims in the community, who can speak to you at a distance removed from either family, telling you what Islam says about love and marriage.Consult people,but remember you are the one who will make the final decision,not your family, friends or other people around you.

It is most important, too, not to just jump at the first one who comes along! You are keen to be married, yes, but you have waited all this time, so wait just a bit longer so you can be sure. Do you want a marriage, or do you want a good marriage?Hehe... Do you just want a wife or a husband, or do want a wife or a husband you can delight in and be proud of?I'll take the latter ones. Remember that this person will be the father or the mother of your children. He or she will be the one you will care for, for the rest of your life. So just take a little bit more time. Pray a lot about it. Yes, pray again..and do istikhara.

You might be so keen to marry that prayer seems the last thing on your mind, but ask Almighty Allah to send the RIGHT PERSON into your life. And, when you have settled down together, continue to ask Allah to give you both the strength to love and support one another through good and bad times.Do believe in the power of du'a.

And so, when you are both old and grey, with grandchildren playing at your feet, you will be able to look back on a good marriage, a happy marriage, inshaAllah, and you will both be able to thank Allah that you did wait for the right one to come along! On that day, people will look at you and wish that they, too, could be blessed with such a happy marriage.

Wahhh,yang menulis ni pun rasa terharu sekali,hahaha~
Good luck yer abang,adik kakak sekalian...


More pictures in Cambridge:

A map for the OKU in Cambridge.Can you find the braille's writings?

Sources:
1.My notes from the talk of Shaykh Akram:Love and To Be Loved In Return
2.Idris Tawfiq:Choosing The Right One